JMJ

Okay so I didn't post about 911 yesterday. I thought about 9/11 yesterday. Where I was when it happened, how I felt and I have read some good blogs about it...enigma4ever is a new one I am really liking...

Anyway...I am fully aware that my reaction to things is generally on the aggressive side. It was then...A Fedex mama was delivering a package to me at the moment I turned on the set and watched the second plane hit the tower...I remember being flabbergasted and then-- MAD. A slew of expletives and my being rooted to the floor by the front door actually drew her into the room to see what I was looking at. We both stood there. I am sure I didn't look like someone who could cuss like a sailor--- she was so surprised she stepped into the front foor to see what had set me off. I felt such anger and horror and anger again. I wantd a piece of somebody right then and there.


Over the next few days I didn't feel introspective or hear any words in my mind that felt remotely wise or made any more sense to me than...those dirty motherfuckers...oh we have to get them. We just have to get them. I know had I been single or married, but not nursing two children , I would have been at a recruiting station that day.

I worry that sometimes I shouldn't be so reactive about this. Because I am not reactive in all things--well I mean... I tend to be in some sort of vigilant stance I guess...or so I have been told. lol But I don't walk around in a perpetual rage...

I don't even know if it was the way I was raised or because I have some extra scrappy gene I inherited. Come on I am half Mexican and half Scotch Irish...I guess I could get all stereotypical and say I never had a chance...but it is probably some variation of all these things.

I am not afraid of a conflict, NO--not just for it's sake---I just hate bullies is what I mean. I hate them. With a passion. And as long as I am using the word-- I also hate to see people walking or being lead around in an unconscious haze. Have you ever looked at people in a Walmart line? Shudder...

I guess on a huge scale I see these terrorists like bullies. Then I see that people, especially now, after 9/11, see us as bullies. It's ironic. I vaccillate between putting my dukes up and knowing that if we weren't swaggering around in the world community to the point that someone wanted to put some planes into buildings we wouldn't be putting our up dukes...noooo...I take that back--that can't be entirely true.....

I went to 18 schools growing up in 7 states...a school is a world microcosm..you have your Switzerlands, your Third World countries and then the Superpowers...such as they are...and even if you weren't a bully, if you gave any sense of strength or weakness for that matter-- there would be some kid who wanted to test the fences...someone jockeying for position-- all trying to establish themselves and all with different motivations.

In a predominantly Hispanic school, I would be considered white and in a white school I was considered Hispanic--though in either case the other group never seemed to know exactly what to do with me...dunno why I included this--it must be relevant in some way? dunno...if anything you can consider it a little bit of trivia...

I think the problem with all of this is when we, as citizens use the word "we" it is a different "we" from the "we" that positioned us in the world "we", live in now. Can we join the Trilateral Council and sign up to join the boards of Fortune 500 countries? No. Can we birth ourselves into well positioned families at will? No.

But the answer is yes to all these other questions and those like it.

Can we vote? Can we participate in local government? Can we support our troops and insist on their fair treatment upon their return? Can we fly our flag? Can we check in on our neighbors? Can we carpool? Can we recycle? Can we stop shopping solely at Walmart? Can we just freaking slow down and read what is going on? Can we think? Can we consciously act?

We have to do all these things. The other "we" is counting on us not to do any of those things...to just be sheep. We can be, if we want...sheep I mean...but you know what happens to sheep.