JMJ

It's midafternoon, I am hitting a wall--that wall you hit when you don't sleep well the night before and you wake up a little hungover without the benefit at least enjoying those Jack and Sevens which normally deliver this kind of payback. It's that time of day when your brain is full of worthy things...at least worthy to you and you want to put things in their most optimal space and yet know that they won't stay put unless you switch gears and get over the hump...it's an antsy kind of sensation...work dulls it and I am doing that...alas I am a little dull myself from the lack of sleep--I thought some time blogging would fire up the synapses and give me the momentum I need.

Around 3 am, I am past agitated that sleep won't pay me a visit and then I think I self perpetuate the sleeplessness. ...it's kind of a vicious cycle...can't sleep...read...what I read promotes thought which promotes wakefulness...can't sleep...write, blog, clean house, look in on my little guys girl, look at the idiot box which promotes more wakefulness.


As I am writing I suddenly remember a dream I had when I finally crawled into bed with Tony this morning and drifted for a minute--you know those 5 hour dreams you have in 5 minutes and wonder how you could cram it all in???It was like that. He pulled me into him and murmured something about being still and everything being okay because he was right there and I found my spot on his shoulder and drifted and went somewhere. The clock read 3:06.


I was on our freeway in a car with some speed. I was driving a stick and I could feel the adrenalin and a sense that this was some sort of gauntlet I was running. I kept avoiding them and they kept coming at me. I saw people's faces and cars moving in a false time that had nothing to do with the universe I was in and moving through in this fast car. Someone was sitting next to me backseat driving, but there was that satellite delay amount of time where I knew it before they did and I wanted to tell them to just shut up or I wouldn't be able to finish this . The whole time I knew I wasn't going to wreck and yet felt the fear you feel because you think you are...it called to mind while I was still in the middle of this dream the real moments I have of learning to drive....using every trick Pop taught us out in NM where we learned to drive. We learned what he thought we should know about cars. Probably more than he wanted us, too.

He would sit on the passenger side with one of us behind the wheel and lull us into a false sense of security and then BAM!! He'd shout while he yanked on the wheel for all he was worth, "your tire blew out! your tire blew out!! What are you going to do to get outta this bar ditch!?!?! Turn into it. Turn into it!"...Naturally, I always had something smartassed to say, but I never actually did. I just learned how to drive, how to handle this machine when it wasn't going along nicely in a well determined direction, how to do it without peeing myself.

When I woke up it was 3:17. I startled and Tony brought me something to drink and we must have gone back to sleep.