What is a blog, if not a vehicle for self expression, a socially acceptable conduit for self absorption? I think, I often do keep parts of me very guarded, submitting and censoring. It's a function, too, of what I can grab up in thought and what clings stubbornly to lesser visited parts of my mind.

Still, the last post begs introspection more for myself, but given the platform, also for those who come here to connect.

I'm aware I talk little of my children.
I only allude to my marriage, but I think I have always considered this blog a place for myself and I have always felt it important to protect them.

For all my mental candor, I realize I'm tight with personal facts--
a miser, if you will.
I won't analyze why,
I'm sure all will have their own speculations.

inhaling...

I lost my first child.
Emergency surgery kept me from dying and a skilled surgeon protected my ability to have more children. I was so upset after the surgery, they brought Tony to recovery to calm me down. I remember nothing of that time in image--only the sound of an anguished sob I did not recognize as my own, repeating again and again how I lost the baby and how terribly, terribly sorry I was.

Four beautiful children went on to be born.
Three in the quiet of our home.
Each time one of them was laid in my arms,
I felt a fierce sense of protection envelope me.
I was determined to love and offer them every part of me.

And I think I did.
I think I do.
I nursed each child for as long as they needed the nourishment and comfort.
Tony supported the choice.
Our bed was shared with each until about three or so.
Natural independence would slowly put them into their own space and out of our family bed or the cloth sling I wore so they could share my world.

I believed keeping them close was better than having them stare at ceilings from their beds or shins from their strollers. I enjoyed hearing and feeling their chortle at the mundane--loved watching their eyes dance or face go from crumpled to delighted. They changed water running in the sink or vacuuming from the mundane.

I often say, if anyone had told me I would give birth at home, or nurse children for eleven years sometimes in tandem ( Jacob, my first, was the most tenacious nurser--), or homeschool my babies, I would have questioned just what kind of crack they were smoking.

Birth. at. home?
Hell no, nutjob.
We get men on the moon,
I don't want to feel that.
I don't have to feel that.
You just have that damn epidural waiting for me at the curb
I'll be right over.

But life is fluid and it seeps in like water to wash away and to make its deposits.
Things changed.
I tried things on.
Chose less beaten paths.

As it turns out,
aside from other parents who shared this kind of attachment parenting mentality,
ironically, the person most often in speculation as to the type of crack they were smoking,
was me.

I over mothered.
I was too sensitive.
A kook.
That name came up the other day in these conversations with the inlaws.
Ironic.
Ironic, that the same people who accused me of all of the aforementioned things,
now disparage and question the commitment I have to my children and husband.

I also believe that these opinions and ill will spilled over so vehemently because over the last year or two I have shown less and less reaction to my in laws. I just don't care anymore if they like or approve of me. I weathered a great deal as I experienced motherhood and clung to a system of beliefs and standards they could not understand or respect.
These experiences make me no better than any other mother. I think we all feel or are treated this way to a certain extent, but I only have personal experience with my own.

The Achilles heel for me these last few days is in being called a bad mother among other less civilized word choices and having my husband not demand a different behavior from them. What was alarming was the language they used to defend their venom. They were always going to "have Tony's back." "He was family" and they had a right to opine.

I take no umbrage with that.
Opine until your left nut falls off, (and I suspect one SIL just might have one) but leave your opinions out of my presence,
do not drop your judgments at my or my husband's feet.
Exercise respect for the choices your brother and sister in law make.
If it isn't constructive or said out of concern for our family-- OUR FAMILY--don't say it to our family.
Leave it for other times when you have nothing better to do than tear a woman down you have never taken the time to know.
And that is a pity.

I realize Taji is huge.
I realize I sound happy and excited to be attempting this challenge.
But it makes the need and opportunity no less important.
It has no bearing on how much I love or care for my family.
I realize six months is a long time even with a couple of visits home.
But I also realize
Tony and I are different people with different strengths.
He keeps this house running.
He keeps a good schedule.
He does what needs to be done and I appreciate how important that is to me and the kids.
I do not expect him to change his personality.
I get to be upset when facets of his personality leave me exposed to unkind, often cruel words and deeds.

I do not expect him to take a job he does not feel comfortable with taking.
We have an almost 17 year marriage.
I believe if you are unhappy with one part of your life it WILL spill over into other areas.
He loves his job.
He would be unhappy doing something else even though he is capable and has been offered other very very well paying jobs.
I stand behind him on his choice.
So.

It comes to me.
I have a cold resume.
Mothering while multifaceted and demanding,
does not translate well in the job market.
I didn't make the rule.
Things are what they are.

I have been lucky to have parents who provide money when things are tight, who slip me a the cruise for two and the money for incidentals, but I want to be 41 and able to take care of whatever lands in my family's way without so much damn worry and juggling and enduring.
Right now I simply can't say that.
Right now I realize I simply can't do it anymore either.

I'm ready for the unknown,
the unexpected
and to be pushed outside of comfort levels.
I'm not afraid.
I want my daughter to know anything is possible.
I want my sons to choose partners who love fiercely and live even more fiercely still.

I'm ready to address plumbing issues so we aren't washing our dishes in buckets. Eight months is a long time.
I want us to be able to afford a
a reliable car
braces
college
vacations
camps
a retirement.

I'm ready to be proactive in my life--in our life and not reactive.
This is where my strength lies.
Tony and I may not have typical roles in our marriage.
We may not even have typical attitudes, but in spite of our weaknesses and desires for the different things which will bring us each comfort, we support each other's choices.

In the end that is all that matters.

I've been a bad blogger.

Hell yes, I had this with my oreo/nacho lunch.

I'm glad I'm not here to talk about Obama closing Gitmo or for the next stories that come out about the unholy pinky swears he made these poor jihadists do with him promising not to blow anything else up, naughty terrorists...tsk...tsk...tsk.
Just to make sure the pinky thing works, CNN will make sure they cover the sharing circles he made everyone sit in before he did it.

Nope.
Glad I'm not here to talk about that.

I'm in San Antonio til Monday. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!

I never write the title to my post before I write the post.
Mostly, because, aside from a general topic
or the occasional rant necessary for the avoidance of a felony arrest of some kind,
I never really know where I am going to go with a post.

The last few days since returning from time away have been difficult.
I knew as I sat on the deck and watched endless horizon,
I wouldn't be able to write about what I was seeing or feeling.
I would just have to be.

Which I suppose is the same intent I am trying to capture
as I experience uncertainty where my life is concerned at the moment .
Like the Gulf water it seems to be spread out in every direction.
Deep and unexplored.
Like the water, I can only presume to know
the surface and its depths
and yet, dare not assume I am right about what is there.
Not yet, anyway.

Which is the question I suppose.
Taji is still hanging out in front of me present,
but just beyond the tips of my fingers.
I have the Taji orientation trip slated for San Antonio,
but confirmation has not come, yet.
My itinerary is here,
but no recent word from powers that be.
My job here ends on Tuesday.
The nature of teaching and the rhythm of the school year
made my resignation necessary
for the transition I want for my students here.
Yes.
I quit my job without another one locked down.

My mother in law is unhappy with me...
well mostly, I suspect she is since my behavior in regards to her position is one of apathy.
Somewhere along the lines this last year,
assimilation and acceptance into my husband's family has become a non issue for me.
I don't care anymore.
Given my nature, I don't care now as deeply as I did care then.
Going on the cruise without her son, who did not want to go,
taking a job far away whether it be in the States or in Iraq,
all of these things do not please her
and it's compounded by my knowing this
and yet, doing nothing about it, when every other time, I have.

I had a great vacation.
People should take the time to get away from the noise and just be.
Look at something beautiful.
Read a book.
Walk a beach.
Immerse yourself in another culture.
Even drinking and playing a game,
where at some point you have to give some stranger your bra,
are all things I highly recommend.

A lot of life gets wasted on all the living you are or feel compelled to do.
To each their own compulsion of course.
Though I do think it should be spent on the living you chose to do.
'Course one is scarier than the other.
Which one is scarier varies from person to person as much as one's compulsions.
----

I need to go and answer comments. I love to hear back from people and shouldn't have taken so long. xox

Well.

I know I am rather random about what's been going on and piecemeal my everyday goings on so I thought I would try to organize my thoughts a little and answer some questions I have had both on this blog and privately asked.

I'm married to Tony.
We have been married for sixteen years, seventeen in June.
We have four children 12, 10, 7 (8 in Feb) and four. My birthday baby is our only girl.

My background is in teaching and curriculum development. I did that until I was pregnant with my second child and then began a large event production company in Houston for about four years. After some burnout, I returned to teaching, became pregnant with my last child and returned home to raise my kiddos and homeschool.

For the next four years I ran a homeschool group, started a coupon group and supported jarheads in a nonprofit effort that my homeschool friends did much to support as well. Due to money concerns and I'm sure my own need to redefine somethings, (I suspect catalyzed by a car accident and a cancer scare), I returned to teaching and continued with milsupport last Fall.

A few months ago talks began with a military contact concerning my potential job in Iraq.
It entails training Iraqi Army officers at the Taji Training Depot, 3.5 billion dollar facility which the vocational institute is a part. It's Jordanian owned and they have hired ex-pats to run it. Most, including, my boss are former jarheads. My tasks involve evaluating instructors, essentially teaching them to teach, writing curriculum or overseeing others who will be writing it and various administrative duties related with the day to day operation of the institute. We teach everything from painting, to upholstery to how to recondition weapons. My quarters are near my office and my trailer is wet. Meaning I won't have to share a shower facility.

We live on the non-coalition side of Camp Taji which is about 45 miles from Baghdad in the Sunni Triangle. Security is managed by Nepalese Gurkha guard, an elite regiment of the British armed forces. On the compound and gates we have about 70 of these fighters--not as "tough as a Marine, but close" according to my own jarhead here at home.

I was having some passport trouble, but I think it's worked out now. I hope. I'm holding my breath and refusing to celebrate or exhale until I hear at ten am tomorrow when I can pick up my passport. Lisa, my friend going on the cruise with me, swears she's calling at 2:16 to make sure I am enroute after school dismissal (2:15) to get it. She said so after she came over tonight to help me pack. I'm glad. She made short order of it and my brain is grateful. I was fried.

The cruise is to Cozumel and Presidio and no, I have never been on this kind of a vacation. Usually they involve parents or reunions or a family function of some sort. The last real vacation I was on was my honeymoon in 1992 with Tony. So I am excited to go and wish my husband was more interested in the opportunity, but he's not crazy about traveling and I didn't want to MAKE him go so there you have it.

Now on Saturday my principal and I are going to interview a potential teacher right before we go to Galveston to board the ship. He really has been very good about the whole matter. I've been taking too many phone calls, and I left early yesterday to go to the State Department. I'm fairly certain we will be hiring this new man, if he's willing to accept the salary and if that is the case this week may be my last.

If Taji falls through for some reason and there is a small chance of that due to the lengthy hiring process, I will go to work with my father. He works as a land agent. I'm not as well versed in that field, but I'm a quick study and hope to catch on quickly. It is a lucrative situation as well and I would be in Denver or Pennsylvania most likely. Between you, me and the fence post, I think he is purposely beginning a new contract in order to entice me to stay in the States. Daddy's little girl and all that.

So I think I have covered everything. *soft smile.

I am looking forward to working hard and testing myself either in Iraq or here.
I'm looking forward to making a good living
and putting money away for our future as well
as using it to enhance our present.
This morning it took me a four point turn to make a parking slip.
I think the car got wind of the potential prosperity on the horizon
and got into line behind the sink.
I'll expect it has a big ass mouth
and this line will be even more populated in the next few weeks if the Universe is what it is.

In a couple weeks,
I will be meeting the director of the school in San Antonio
to continue the process
and awaiting a contract sometime after I return from vacation.

Thank you to everyone that reads this blog.
I never really post like this,
it seems like it would be boring,
but in any case I hope it clarifies things a bit.
I am touched by all the well wishes on blog and off.

Tomorrow I have some blogs to pimp
and hopefully some good passport news to post!
If I missed a question from comments in doing this post please let me know--
well in comments...lol and I'll do my best to answer.

I'm really surprised at how interested people have been.
Surprised and touched.
xox

I'm tired,
but not relaxed enough to sleep.

The passport issue came back and bit me, but I think I returned the nip.
I hate to say where I stand on it because currently,
the situation seems intent on making a liar out of me.

I'm freakishly unable to get focused on this cruise, my first.
I should be giddy about it by now.
I really do look forward to it and to getting ready for Taji when I come back...
I mean what a way to wile away the time.
I have expected capitulation on Tony's part.
He would realize what five days alone with his unbelievably sexy wife really meant
and beg my friend to step aside.
Alas.
Nope.
Well I just hope I don't need to be rolled off the ship from bellying up to the buffets.
No way.
I heard they have some good gyms on those ships and rockclimbing.

I have more in my head,
but it's like trying to smack ketchup out of a vacuum locked bottle.
All it's doing is making my palm red from smacking.

Told my principal what was up on Sunday and he was very good about it.
For Christmas he gave me a book and a card expressing what a blessing I was to him.
I completely cringed thinking about the upcoming
"hey guess what I'm going to Iraq and you need to hire someone midyear" conversation.
"A blessing to him and to the school"...ack...
Yeah just let me dig this dull, rusty table knife outta my belly...hold on though...I need to twist it around a little, first.

Man I'm a downer tonight.

I better hit it and come back at this tomorrow.

Hope out.

I had some passport woes.
Completely. freaked. me. out.
I need it for my resume.
Without a passport number I am not officially employable in Taji.

So yeah.

I kinda threw up in my mouth a little
when the call came through
explaining they need extra documentation
when I sent them at least ten original pieces
The original request had been six.

Friday afternoon I get this yucky call.
When I can basically do nothing more about it for the next two days.

Goodie!!!
I got to mindfuck myself aaaall weekend.
Not only did I have the opportunity to realize how much I wanted this job,
it occured to me that if they DID loose my file, that means they lost my birth certificate also in the file.

The one I need for a cruise
a cruise I'm leaving for in five days
as long as I have my birthcertificate for travel
well
or a #?&#!%*$ passport

gulp.
I think it is worked out now.
I spent some time on the phone, untying some knots.

You know--
pushing 1 for english and 2 for cusomer service
repeating the issue half a dozen times.
Firmly saying,
"Fine I'll wait on the line while you check that,
No, don't call me back, put me on hold and look into it NOW.
I'll wait.

Sidenote:
I'll wait and No, I can't hold

are two very important sentences to incorporate into your customer service arsenal. Those two statements can get some shit done, we wont' even go into their entertainment value. Muwhahaha.
Suffice to say,
I think they helped me because they saw that pain in the ass as far more finite than my phone calls weren't going to be.

Then in a little side bar to this whole passport odyssey to the Center of the Bureaucratic Universe:

I had to go to the DMV to work out my driver's license middle name/maiden name discrepancy. I have to explain the change and the need for the change and I remember being very relieved at how solicitious the clerk was.

Fastforward to Sunday:

"Honey, we need to tell your parents about Iraq before the kids squeal."

Fast forward to Sunday night:

"Mom knows about Iraq."

"Whah? I say, Which knucklehead squealed?!"

"She knows, he shrugged, the clerk at the DMV is in her choir. (MIL is the choir director). Clerk asked her how she felt about her daughter in law going to Iraq."


Oops.
Obviously, I didn't recognize the clerk.

Well.

Now they know.

Insert sound of screeching brakes here.

Hey!!!

I just noticed I blew past the 500 post mark 4 posts back.

Holy hell

I can't believe I was that full of crap!



Yeah yeah
YOU did.
very. funny.

Okay so I told the kids about Taji today.

in the car

it was unplanned

The passport folks called to tell me they need more documentation.
(Incidentally, calling all mamas newly married or about to be married:
Make sure when you change your driver's license they don't use your maiden name as your middle name. Make sure, if they do, to go stand in that suck ass DMV line and make them change it. Otherwise, you have an automatic alias that will completely fuck things up when you want to travel to a hostile Third World country and make lots of money.)

Anyway so the cat kinda meowed its way out of the bag
and we talked about what it would mean.

They all seemed alright with it.

Frankly, they are at that age where our lack of money is becoming more apparent.

They get that more money means a reliable car, kitchen sink etc.
They don't get the whole braces, college, not wanting to support their no 401 K parents in old age, but there's that, too, but, no I didn't bring those factors into the equation.

Being kids, they DID immediately mull over what kind of presents they could get mom to wipe her conscious with.
Hell no.
NO ONE is getting a damn pony.

Man, they are quick little studies.
not really.

no.
really.

shrug.


it's okay.

I know I need to talk about this more.
I keep skirting the issues.

Frankly, though Tony has been very uncommunicative about the matter
and I haven't really been interested in talking about us not talking about it.

So here it is.

I'm leaving because of the two of us I am the risk taker.
If I am going to make this kind of money it's about the only way I know how...well short of prostitution.

Incidentally, even given my age, I think I would be good at that,
but that's another post to be a smartass in...

I'm leaving because, if we don't fix the god damn sink,
and get a car I don't slam my head against the door frame weekly
(heeeey.. maybe that's what's wrong with me.)

if we don't put some money away for four children in college starting in six years
if I don't get some semblance of a resume back in order
if I don't go out and light some fires and kick some tires

I fairly certain I will go just about galactically batshit crazy.
which is like batshit crazy,
but involves
divorce attorneys,
therapy
and or
heavy drinking.

and well

I really don't want a divorce.
What a pain in the ass.
My IRL friends will scrutinize this line and think
hmmm she didn't mention loving Tony.
I love him, alright?
gheesh.

Therapy might pick at scabs better left to heal on their own.

and heavy drin--
oh wait.

Let's leave heavy drinking out of this.
Shall we?