I am distracted by a number of things.
3/3 Kilo Marines are coming home to Hawaii as I write this. They have worked so hard and all you have to do is read this or look at pictures here to see just what they have managed to accomplish. I'll be glad to hear they are home and taking 4 day naps. They have more than earned them.
Faith...today there was a whole long homily about the woman at the well and how humans tend to look for the easy way out--that magic bullet if you will. Shrug. I don't know-- sometimes I think we humans can equally be accused of making things harder then they need to be.
Time...I had a lot of it on my hands, recently. It didn't act any different from what I could tell. Unfilled, though, it felt like an impetus for something I haven't got to the bottom of, yet. Busy takes on a whole new meaning coming home.
Goals...to run again--see where my body is now after so little has been asked of it save five pregnancies and four births. I know you are thinking 'well hell pregnancy is a lot to ask of it.' True. In a way--but actually pregnancy is mostly a spectator sport except for the very beginning and the very end. Mostly you are just along for the ride. Working my body to run is more daily deliberate, an ongoing act of the will-- if you will.
speaking of will
Will...what can you will?
Really.
Exactly what can a human will?
I have heard love is an act of the will--faith, hope, trust, too.
I bet there are even more you couls add here.
Just because you can will them...should you and when, exactly?
As an aside...I have been reading a lot today and posting on our milblog.
There is a good piece on bootcamp written by someone who has gone through it for an audience that probably hasn't. Phillipine Phil, I thought you did a great job!
Another good article I read today was over at Neptunus Lex who posted an article the Washington Post put out on women in the military and their increased roles in combat situations. His link is on my blogroll.
James Alan Bersen wrote a piece on his view of the presidential election. He is an intelligience officer at Camp Victory in Iraq. He's a fellow Texan and one time reporter at our Capitol here. Always a good blog to read if you want some troop perspective and a sense of what boots on the ground there are thinking.
Again pray for our Kilo Marines in the 3/3. They are finally coming home.
This kind of protest makes no sense to me. Surely, all have a right to their opinion, but how is it logical to take the same constitution they use to voice thier displeasure to demand the rights of another be denied? They are standing in the wrong city talking to the wrong group of people. Again, that's their right. One man's rights end where another's begin...
There is an inherent risk you take in sharing thoughts. Depending on the winds of human frailty, how your thoughts are perceived are as uncontrollable as the wind itself. Winds, too can blow warm or cold and bring needed rain or in this case, hail. Again, it's a risk you take when you express yourself. Not only can people see you as you move through something, they can also give an opinion or a criticism as to how they feel you are doing. I suppose this why we all use different disciplines of mind and heart, for we all have different statements of faith.
I always wondered what I would do when words from my mouth journeyed into another's ear and came back in a gale of impunity like they did today. Would it make me afraid or less apt to be open?
I wondered if I would evacuate from the storm or would I stay and weather it? As I moved through the day with my beautiful children and my husband, I watched the comments from time to time sometimes considering what the perception would be for those who know me in life and for those I have come to know on the net--but not for long.
Some of my friends have called or emailed and asked me why I didn't take the comments off of the last post. I wondered that,too. I often find myself in the position of wanting to trade another's opinion for my own. I make no bones that often times I treat myself like my own inner stepchild.
I found a quiet resolve to hang onto my blog without altering these comments in spite of being momentarily more 'exposed' than I had a say in being. Let's face it...as I saw from my old friend's post, time has a way of skewing things and time, like the weather, I have no control over. Though unlike the weather, it's aspects are more predictable and so I hope with time I learn even more from today.
Today I won't be taking those comments off. This man I knew in highschool, who knew my family secrets and watched my life from a his vantage point offered thoughts to the same audience he himself impugned. I won't try to fathom why nor will I be ashamed of what conversations we did have. True I have never dealt with a person taking my thoughts and repackaging them for public consumption as my own. Though given the platform and my general nature, I would assume sooner or later I would have to face this inevitability.
What I have come to learn about myself today is there isn't a circumstance I can think of where I will consider altering my thoughts or my journey or how it may appear just so that I can be percieved by strangers, my friends or my loved ones in a certain way.
I am not so stupid I am unaware of the drawbacks in doing this. Today's example is a person who betrayed me in the guise of being concerned for me or in hopes I would capitulate, bend to his way of thinking. Perhaps he thought if he acted as he has and offered remnants of my words as whole pieces, I would be embarrassed at what I offer in conversation or on this blog. Whole pieces or remnants, the answer is the same. The answer is no.
This blog is mine.
My thoughts are mine.
My life is mine.
How I move through it is also mine.
I struggle.
I'm flawed.
I had a difficult childhood--there are many that have.
I speak and trust easily.
Now THERE'S a really big newsflash.
Here are some others:
I talk and share on this page like I do in real life.
I offend,
offer,
challenge,
struggle,
rail against,
support and
smart ass my way through it.
What happened today was wrong in my eyes, but to censor my blog goes against something I can't even name yet. For now it's enough to feel it's the right thing to do and trust that the words why will come another day.
It has been one of those days that rises and falls so slowly you don't realize it has until you turn to look where you have been, see the terrain you traversed and appreciate a different horizon.
My children especially my oldest and third born have been bickering and unkind to one another. There has been some group dynamics in the house lately which have made me dread mothering.
Mostly because, I hate feeling like I am blowing it.
Mostly because being the center of the Universe, I naturally have a single hand in the character and development of my children.
Some idiot put that in my pipe early in life and ohhhhhh, if I didn't smoke it.
A lot.
Their discord and my own maternal Kung Fu grip on the Center of the Universe thing got so dismal, the outing they had planned for the afternoon, didn't happen for them.
That's an hour I should have recorded.
Yup.
Right after the words: 'That's it. You two are staying home today' I should have hit 'record', dubbed a few and sent them on to Iraq so my guys could have used the recordings for interrogation purposes. It was biblical I tell ya...talk about 'wailing and gnashing of teeth.' One listen to that and all those jihadists over there would have been agreeing to a new Middle East accord.
So the day happened.
My second born, Ethan, he did go on the outings. My littlest, Matthew, succumbed to a nap about the time it was time to depart so he stayed home,too.Maybe he would forget about park day.
Maybe the nap would just wipe it right out of his mind.
Nope.
Wake up time for him was_not_pretty, but I didn't think of recording that either...actually I couldn't hear. My ears were bleeding by then.
Email got read.
Posts were made.
A yard got raked.
Furniture got moved.
A trip to the post office made.
Things I no longer need were thrown away
Troop donations were sorted into the right boxes
and a computer full of documents got sorted into files.
What has settled into my mind tonight is how none of those things happened without the grace of another person.
Early on Earthmama emailed to check in as I was trying to decide how best to take my Bickerers out and make it look like an accident. A simple 'how are you?' reminded me to check in with myself. Yeah...how the hell WAS I?
My inbox included items which needed my attention and decisions I hadn't made yet, but it also included friends accepting invitations to play, visit or come to a class. It included belated birthday wishes and news of how those I hold in thought are doing.
At lunch most days my husband comes home and today he was prepared to take Bickerer #1 with him to the office for the afternoon before I was able to tell him I had called another dear friend who agreed to watch Ethan, our RNOD (Resident Non-Offender of the Day) at his outing and to bring him home.
Tony watched the other kids on his lunch break while I drove over and had a few minutes to drive and look at the sky on the way back IN SILENCE. ahhhhh.
When I returned Bickerer #1 was raking the lawn and his counterpart was in the livingroom. Cleaning.
Holy crap I thought.
Just so they could see mom with no oxygen going to her brain they went for the Trifecta by not only NOT fighting for the rest of the day, but finishing the lawn T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R, unadvised.
I had to sit down for a minute.
Seriously.
I sat down and peaked out the window at their two heads in the sunshine bent over copper piles of pine needles.
In awhile my mama friend drove up with Ethan and stayed for a few minutes. A few minutes equaling how long it took her to help me move furniture and to catch up on our lives a little after a long week of momminess.
At the post office I ran into a lady who has made donations in the past for shipping. Her seeing first hand how her organization supports our folks across the pond was--well I can't sit here forever trying to explain how awesome THAT was, but I have smart friends and readers, I'll let you work on that.
In the evening still another couple of friends stopped by and while I had dreaded sorting and reorganzing the mess my living room had become from this odd day, having guests made the task more enjoyable. In fact so much was done, the topic turned to computers...well mostly becasue I whined...'Hey Mike, can you help me with this stupid computer since you are here? Did he ever. Man! I am squared away now...I'm too cool for color TV I tell ya. LOOK out, Steve Jobs!
I started a day pretty disgusted with the house, the kids, my level of participation in life in general. Now while tired and not done, I feel blessed by those who have been with me in mind or body today.
The day rose and fell and rose again.
I was grateful for
the walk
and the view
and the company.
This is for Sgt. Grumpy and for Sgt.Smitty. I suspect things are a little rougher for you than usual. Where ever you are, know folks here in the States are thinking about you and sending you good thoughts. May you be protected. Traveling mercies, guys.
Anatomy of Construction is a site I found surfing my favorites the other night. Though now I am not sure which one it was...pretty sad my mind already slipping and all.
Anyway.
Go see him.
There are a lot of talented writers out there--just look at my blogroll. One thing I really like specifically is his ability to talk about his craft and be so encouraging of others as they hone theirs as well...
You will have to go and read this guy's work and missives for writing. He is out of Australia and working as a writer. My hero.
Just...go see what he has to say. I think you will be glad you did.
