There is an inherent risk you take in sharing thoughts. Depending on the winds of human frailty, how your thoughts are perceived are as uncontrollable as the wind itself. Winds, too can blow warm or cold and bring needed rain or in this case, hail. Again, it's a risk you take when you express yourself. Not only can people see you as you move through something, they can also give an opinion or a criticism as to how they feel you are doing. I suppose this why we all use different disciplines of mind and heart, for we all have different statements of faith.
I always wondered what I would do when words from my mouth journeyed into another's ear and came back in a gale of impunity like they did today. Would it make me afraid or less apt to be open?
I wondered if I would evacuate from the storm or would I stay and weather it? As I moved through the day with my beautiful children and my husband, I watched the comments from time to time sometimes considering what the perception would be for those who know me in life and for those I have come to know on the net--but not for long.
Some of my friends have called or emailed and asked me why I didn't take the comments off of the last post. I wondered that,too. I often find myself in the position of wanting to trade another's opinion for my own. I make no bones that often times I treat myself like my own inner stepchild.
I found a quiet resolve to hang onto my blog without altering these comments in spite of being momentarily more 'exposed' than I had a say in being. Let's face it...as I saw from my old friend's post, time has a way of skewing things and time, like the weather, I have no control over. Though unlike the weather, it's aspects are more predictable and so I hope with time I learn even more from today.
Today I won't be taking those comments off. This man I knew in highschool, who knew my family secrets and watched my life from a his vantage point offered thoughts to the same audience he himself impugned. I won't try to fathom why nor will I be ashamed of what conversations we did have. True I have never dealt with a person taking my thoughts and repackaging them for public consumption as my own. Though given the platform and my general nature, I would assume sooner or later I would have to face this inevitability.
What I have come to learn about myself today is there isn't a circumstance I can think of where I will consider altering my thoughts or my journey or how it may appear just so that I can be percieved by strangers, my friends or my loved ones in a certain way.
I am not so stupid I am unaware of the drawbacks in doing this. Today's example is a person who betrayed me in the guise of being concerned for me or in hopes I would capitulate, bend to his way of thinking. Perhaps he thought if he acted as he has and offered remnants of my words as whole pieces, I would be embarrassed at what I offer in conversation or on this blog. Whole pieces or remnants, the answer is the same. The answer is no.
This blog is mine.
My thoughts are mine.
My life is mine.
How I move through it is also mine.
I struggle.
I'm flawed.
I had a difficult childhood--there are many that have.
I speak and trust easily.
Now THERE'S a really big newsflash.
Here are some others:
I talk and share on this page like I do in real life.
I offend,
offer,
challenge,
struggle,
rail against,
support and
smart ass my way through it.
What happened today was wrong in my eyes, but to censor my blog goes against something I can't even name yet. For now it's enough to feel it's the right thing to do and trust that the words why will come another day.
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6 comments:
Hey Hope :)
Had to catch up on your posts, one of those weekends.
This blog is mine.
My thoughts are mine.
My life is mine.
How I move through it is also mine.
Love that, so true. I cannot believe those comments, have people nothing else to do with their time than attack others? I feel sick.
(((hugs)))
You're right. it is your blog, and your thoughts.
Glad you won't stop blogging on account of one jackass.
I like your blog. I do not find it depressing at all. That man was very rude and nasty. Mean and spiteful.
Your husband showed his love for you by defending you.
Your writings are full of depth, emotion and are beautifully articulated. They show your emotional strengths and weaknesses and your integrity as a human being. Do not let the fear of someone exposing you ever stop you from being who you are at the core.
Anyway, you are forty now. You can do and say what you like. Well, apparently that is how it works.
Gosh! I wandered over here on the basis of the intriguing comment you left at Hay's.
I have only read this post and the previous one - so I do not know whether your blog is depressing or not. What does it matter? As you say, this is your space to use as you wish. I think quite often blogs make us sound sadder or more needy than we are in real life because it is a way of getting things out of our heads. I use mine that way quite often and it works - it means I can remain jolly and level in Real Life.
I think that unless a blog writer invites opinions ie asks what the reader thinks, it is best for commenters to be supportive or stay quiet. We are in effect guests after all.
I hope you do not get bothered like that again.
Dear Hope,
I'm a new reader and I've been captivated by your delightfully honest ruminations. I find your blog to be uplifting and I enjoy your gentle humour.
I very much respect your decision to not censor your blog. However...
1. The post has hijacked your blog for a couple of ways, and not in a constructive manner. This is trolling and these people get off on this kind of attention. As a new reader, I was dismayed. If this is the dialogue on this blog, I don't know if I want to read it. I subscribed to be uplifted -- not to have to read through vicious and mean-spirited conversations.
2. I don't think it's censorship to disallow trolling. It's about setting appropriate boundaries for your blog conversation. Do you really want to allow the wolves in among the sheep?
3. As women, I think we often have trouble setting boundaries. For some reason, we think we have to give everybody the right to their opinion. Guess what? We don't. Not if their intent is disrespectful. I'd like to see you take action that respects your own right not to have anybody and everybody say whatever they want to you on your blog. Obviously, you're not going to censor a respectful disagreement. But these comments undermined you as a human being. They denigrated you. This was in no way respectful. If the person really had your best interests at heart, this would have been a private conversation.
Having spoken my opinion, I respect your right to disagree. I just wanted to give you some food for thought.
I will keep reading your blog, unless this kind of conversation keeps happening. I don't need that in my life -- as much as I might enjoy the blog itself.
Take what is useful and leave the rest.
Have courage!
Hope,
I'm back from my "training"...I understand there's a mental patient who's been putting odd comments on your blog. I'm at work on the "problem". Rest well.
-D