Last day of 2008.

Whoa.


I remember standing in front of mirrors in my early adolescence
when suddenly
the movement of time,
mortality,
and it's implications
became more apparent.

I wondered where I'd be,
who'd I be with
and what I would be doing.

I wondered if I would remember wondering.

The answers are
in La Marque, Texas,
with Tony and four kids
working in a small private school
and getting ready to go to Iraq.

And I do remember wondering.
Obviously.

This time last year, I was awaiting test results.
No cancer.

I was emeshed in milsupport,
completely and alternately irritated or exasperated with an insensitive Marine
He's still exasperating,
but I'm no longer irritated.

enamoured with W.H. Auden
"my working week, my Sunday rest"

horrified at my 4 year olds use of pee in sibling biowarfare
"Ewwwww...he got it in my MOUTH!!!"

Writing a warning letter to my 13 year old self
Peg never did do that meme. I bet she'd write a great letter

Trying to understand where faith fit--that's still a stumper for me.
*SighshrugSigh*
I asked it to take a number.

I was madly cleaning out the old and bringing in the new
doing the same thing this year...


and finally
trying very hard to come to terms with me after a car accident
and the subsequent first shift--
the gradual tremble under my feet--
the uprooting
or maybe we can call it new growth.

dunno

I should have put that on my post yesterday as something I learned.
Growth is messy
and painful
and even alarming--
especially if you don't recognize it as growth.


I have no resolutions though.
I have some hope that a better life awaits.
I have little temerity and thus believe I can affect that.

I have been moving through my days the last month
as the end of February approaches
when sometimes


"HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. I'M GOING TO IRAQ. "

squeaks out-
roots me to a floor,
simultaneously firing every synaptic link I have.
I never feel sick, or worried.
Just amped up.
like I get before those kinds of workouts intended to make one cry like a little girl.

At those times
I just think what I think in the gym: Let's hit it.


I have had a year of
people at my elbow,
people at my throat,
demons chasing/chased,
heart floating
stomach wrenching,
body pounding
knee scuffing
elbow scraping
soul testing
standing in the rain
question asking--ok ok sometimes answer demanding
temper tantrum type

experiences.


Never a dull moment.
The year ahead looks not different, in anything, but actualization


Iraq will most likely be a bubble.


No friends
No family
No familiar paradigms
Just me and what comes with me in my head.


A trial.
A journey.
A learning.

Someone sent me a email the other day with some music.
I'm leaving everyone with the same gift.
I hope you will listen to it.

Especially, if you are about to face new challenges this year.
To all my friends and family I have a chance to see of a day
To those who I only see here in cyberspace
Have a very Happy New Year.
I appreciate all of you very much.
Each of you have given me wonderful gifts of time and self.


And K.
Thank you, for the music.
It was fitting.

Meanwhile back in the year one
When you belonged to no one
You didn't stand a chance son
If your pants were undone

'Cause you were bred for humanity
And sold to society
One day you'll wake up in the present day
A million generations removed from expectations
Of being who you really want to be

Skating away, skating away, skating away
On the thin ice of the new day

So as you push off from the shore
Won't you turn your head once more
And make your peace with everyone
For those who choose to stay
Will live just one more day
To do the things they should have done

And as you cross the wilderness
A-spinning in your emptiness
You feel you have to pray
Looking for a sign that the universal mind
Has written you into the passion play

Skating away, skating away, skating away
On the thin ice of the new day

And as you cross the circle line
Well, the ice-wall creaks behind
You're a rabbit on the run
And the silver splinters fly
In the corner of your eye
Shining in the setting sun

Well, do you ever get the feeling
That the story's too damn real
And in the present tense
Or that everybody's on the stage
And it seems like you're the only
Person sitting in the audience

Skating away,
skating away,
skating away

XOXO
Hello!!!

I just read my comments...
hey fixed the font.

Have some stuff to put up.
Won't be til later tonight, though.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday night.

I'm going to go get a drink and finish some editting.

Yes.
In that order!!!
A girl has to have her priorities.

Heehee.

NONE of my shopping is done!
ACK!!!!!
I've never waited this late in the season.
I got nothin'.

ZIP
Zero
Nada
Bupkus
I need to move my ass.

I also should have came clean with the hubster and said:
"Hell yes, I want to exchange gifts."
I don't care WHAT gift.
It's the thought process I want.
I won't though.
I always get stuck in this situation.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

More on my blog reads.
First one is Linda.
She is one of my first blogs I remember reading.
She's out of Australia.
With a fine eye for detail, she takes you where she goes.

Description
Introspection
Honesty
Clarity of prose

You find all that on her blog.

Where Karma Meets Camera is another place I like to visit.

With Linda you see the picture she paints with her minds eye.

With JustHay you see the pics she paints with her Nikon.

Wow.

Not only that, but like Linda, she also posts in an honest, introspective way with gentle humor at the perils of motherhood, her love for all things Jack Black and her day to day life in New Zealand.

My last pimp, Ramblings of an Earthmama, is someone I also know in real life. She has since moved away so we don't see each other much anymore, but we started blogging about the same time (she may have started earlier???) and share some history.

She would call herself morbidly intense.

Yuh.

She is.

It takes one to know one.

We also share a love of Ann LaMott, fried chicken, potato chips and wine.

I am never unsurprised at her willingness to dig deep and she has a way of offering things to others that gives comfort and provokes thought.

~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Okay, that's it for now.

More blogs tomorrow.

I have to go work on some projects as I get ready for life in Iraq.

I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday.

I feel thick.
Layered even.

By
thoughts
words
obligations
chores
deadlines
a lack of sleep
good intentions
rants
situations

but hell who isn't just as in the suck?
boohoo right?

It's amazing I can get that self absorbed right smack dab in the middle of a season meant to support all things antithetical to basic self absorption.

sigh.

Here's a good place to start:
This email excerpt from a milsupporter with guys out in the most mountainous parts of Afghanistan elevates SUCK to a whole other level. (If you want to know how you can help these folks visit Sage or Tankerbabe.)

I couldn’t help but think about our Soldiers at OP Fritsche who are already under 4 feet of snow. Who barely got simple and rustic plywood shelters built before the snowfall. That have only dirt on the roofs to keep the bullets out but didn’t have time to properly roof them before it became too cold and snowy. We have sent several 40’ X 60’ and 50’ X 100’ tarps to them to keep the melting snow from dripping through on them. And I couldn’t help but think about our Soldiers at two other Ops that have been under snow for three weeks now; who are lucky if they get two resupply opportunities a month because of their proximity to the Pakistani border, the danger of resupply (which is only at night and the helo can only stay on the ground for 5 minutes – NO exaggeration). The Soldiers, at times, must ration everything. No showers, no electricity, no hot meals, not outside communication, in fire fights every day and often more than one a day.

Yep it kinda kills my:

-why do they always put all the beans in a burrito all the way at the damn bottom?

-the kids are all dead set against giving any sign of brain activity instead subscribing to the whole less is more theory of homework, classwork and or basic thought process.

-I was so busy juggling a phone and a Christmas program I send a picture text of cleavage and ass meant for Tony's eyes to some sweet, unassuming jarhead who calls me momma.

post.

I will say this though.
Sage asking me to write a post about milsupport reminds me that that is how I met him in the spring of this year.

We talked milsupport and politics and by the time I realized his blog was also pretty damn dirty, it was too late. I had had time to notice he was astute and well read and shot as straight as anyone I know in blogland or real life. We were friends.

I'm glad I didn't visit his blog after we first met. We just emailed or IMd. Had I have, I would have made some snap judgements about who he was and run like hell.Blogs are a double edged sword in that respect.

I can't say I am not still prone to snap judgements or running like hell. l'd like to think though that this last year has taught me to not do them in close succession or worse, simultaneously.

Mind you I said I was taught, it doesn't mean I'm great in practice.

As I have mentioned from time to time:
I'm a slow learner.

That's its own kind of suck--
Hopeful though it is.

Literally and figuratively.

Me: "Hey honey, I've noticed you have been sending me "I love you" texts.
Awww.

Phrase o' the day:

"That shit ain't right."

Situational example:
Hope up this early on a Saturday to get dressed and go to work.
Oh!
Have I mentioned I'm a teacher?
Have I mentioned I have spent a few minutes each day trying to ascertain which ASSHAT decided to sign up the ENTIRE faculty for an inservice on not just a Saturday which is Godless enough, but even more heretical on the ONLY Saturday this month not already eaten up with holiday or family obligations?

When I find out who did it, I'm making swift, creative retribution my personal goal.

A person is nothing without a goal.

Feel free to leave your own situational example.

It'll be like getting in a circle and sharing our feelings
only without the circle.

Best example determined by a panel of...
(ummm dunno yet, I haven't asked anyone yet, I'm just making this shit up as I go along)
gets a blog write up and interview

or a big kiss on the mouth.

I know.
Try to contain yourself.

Best thing I saw today: Who needs a damn tree?

Funniest thing I heard today that I couldn't laugh at out right:
My only daughter complaining about a teacher, "she's a big sacka stupid, dad!"

Today's best email line dialogue:
Me: I have glitter up my nose. I think I even ate some at lunch...
Them: Hope, you gotta lay off the glitter, darlin'. That's just a path you don't wanna start down. You start off just doin' it recreationally, and at parties and stuff and the next thing you know you're sellin' the good silverware to some sleazy glitter dealer in a back alley somewhere. I just don't wanna see that happen to you.