Last day of 2008.

Whoa.


I remember standing in front of mirrors in my early adolescence
when suddenly
the movement of time,
mortality,
and it's implications
became more apparent.

I wondered where I'd be,
who'd I be with
and what I would be doing.

I wondered if I would remember wondering.

The answers are
in La Marque, Texas,
with Tony and four kids
working in a small private school
and getting ready to go to Iraq.

And I do remember wondering.
Obviously.

This time last year, I was awaiting test results.
No cancer.

I was emeshed in milsupport,
completely and alternately irritated or exasperated with an insensitive Marine
He's still exasperating,
but I'm no longer irritated.

enamoured with W.H. Auden
"my working week, my Sunday rest"

horrified at my 4 year olds use of pee in sibling biowarfare
"Ewwwww...he got it in my MOUTH!!!"

Writing a warning letter to my 13 year old self
Peg never did do that meme. I bet she'd write a great letter

Trying to understand where faith fit--that's still a stumper for me.
*SighshrugSigh*
I asked it to take a number.

I was madly cleaning out the old and bringing in the new
doing the same thing this year...


and finally
trying very hard to come to terms with me after a car accident
and the subsequent first shift--
the gradual tremble under my feet--
the uprooting
or maybe we can call it new growth.

dunno

I should have put that on my post yesterday as something I learned.
Growth is messy
and painful
and even alarming--
especially if you don't recognize it as growth.


I have no resolutions though.
I have some hope that a better life awaits.
I have little temerity and thus believe I can affect that.

I have been moving through my days the last month
as the end of February approaches
when sometimes


"HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. I'M GOING TO IRAQ. "

squeaks out-
roots me to a floor,
simultaneously firing every synaptic link I have.
I never feel sick, or worried.
Just amped up.
like I get before those kinds of workouts intended to make one cry like a little girl.

At those times
I just think what I think in the gym: Let's hit it.


I have had a year of
people at my elbow,
people at my throat,
demons chasing/chased,
heart floating
stomach wrenching,
body pounding
knee scuffing
elbow scraping
soul testing
standing in the rain
question asking--ok ok sometimes answer demanding
temper tantrum type

experiences.


Never a dull moment.
The year ahead looks not different, in anything, but actualization


Iraq will most likely be a bubble.


No friends
No family
No familiar paradigms
Just me and what comes with me in my head.


A trial.
A journey.
A learning.

Someone sent me a email the other day with some music.
I'm leaving everyone with the same gift.
I hope you will listen to it.

Especially, if you are about to face new challenges this year.
To all my friends and family I have a chance to see of a day
To those who I only see here in cyberspace
Have a very Happy New Year.
I appreciate all of you very much.
Each of you have given me wonderful gifts of time and self.


And K.
Thank you, for the music.
It was fitting.

Meanwhile back in the year one
When you belonged to no one
You didn't stand a chance son
If your pants were undone

'Cause you were bred for humanity
And sold to society
One day you'll wake up in the present day
A million generations removed from expectations
Of being who you really want to be

Skating away, skating away, skating away
On the thin ice of the new day

So as you push off from the shore
Won't you turn your head once more
And make your peace with everyone
For those who choose to stay
Will live just one more day
To do the things they should have done

And as you cross the wilderness
A-spinning in your emptiness
You feel you have to pray
Looking for a sign that the universal mind
Has written you into the passion play

Skating away, skating away, skating away
On the thin ice of the new day

And as you cross the circle line
Well, the ice-wall creaks behind
You're a rabbit on the run
And the silver splinters fly
In the corner of your eye
Shining in the setting sun

Well, do you ever get the feeling
That the story's too damn real
And in the present tense
Or that everybody's on the stage
And it seems like you're the only
Person sitting in the audience

Skating away,
skating away,
skating away