It's so freaking hot.

Oven hot.

Even before a 1/2 mile warm up I can feel sweat pooling between my shoulder blades and breasts.

Other Crossfitters in the class ahead are finishing their last rounds.
I hate watching.
I love watching.
In an hour I'll be where they are.
Not on the mat
or with the same weight
or scuff marks.
just where they are
Worn to your very middle self.
Raw.
Singed.
Ticking.
High.

Then I think,
I bet if I sneak out right now no one would miss me--
'cept my other two personalities who would get into a fight in my head over just what kind of loser I am,
sorry
or
sorry assed.

I stay.

6 rounds and 300 reps
of weight slinging and ground pounding later
with only 5 of us sick SOBs
who pick late Friday afternoon to workout,
the head trainer turns his attention on me
and the weight I'm about to pick up.

It's 30 pounds I had either been squatting, sitting up or stepping up on a 28 inch box with.

After 6 rounds
30 pounds feels like 100 pounds
and the step up box has taken on Mt. Fuji-like proportions
and in fact, I was just thinking these very things
when the attention I keep bitching about not getting from anyone
settles on me in my most ass beaten state.

Figures.

Carlos, head Nazi--er trainer...head trainer nods at the 50 pounds sitting next to the 30 I had been using and says with a half smile and glint in his eye, "Hey, why don't you try using the 50, you're ready... it's only one more round." He grinned again and reached for the weight confident that I was in.

Crap.
I was.
Asshole.

Holy hell...who's walking away from that???
Not me.
I'm retarded.
and at the time without enough breath to do more than nod.

No.
Not retarded.
Hammered down like that to your most distilled--
it's like a clean drunk--
You say and do exactly what you are thinking...you are too exhausted for bullshit.

He had to keep me from falling off the box a few times. I think my quivering quads and the tendons standing out on my neck may have given me away.

Still...he was right, I was ready and I hadn't thought I was.

second from the left.