Still living in a no power, no news bubble.
Coupled with poor marital communication
and a general sense that even the suckiness of living
and learning shit and maybe needing to learn it again...
hell
and again and AGAIN--
can't last forever.
...right?
I mean---
right?
go ahead
humor me.
While God in any previously religious format
holds nothing for me now
I do think about this poem from time to time
and about being able to empty yourself to a higher power
and okay
so I question that idea often
and hold anything that involves submission or acquiesence suspect,
I do go back to this prayer from time to time
as its tone conveys a sense of where I find myself
as I claw my way through midlife.
grimly determined and hopeful that you get some sort of space in the Universe for making a damn effort.
My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean
that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton (1915-1968)
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6 comments:
I too hold suspect anything that involves submission or acquiesence. In additon to these I add anything that is Dominant or Assertive as these are the Dual counterparts of the above.
I am likewise suspicious of words like "higher power". A thing is higher as it is defined against a "lower" thing. So in essence the definition of a higher thing includes at least the definition of the lower thing. They are complimetary like good and evil.
I know this sounds like sophistry or maybe the revelations where in the end times good is evil and evil is good. Thats not really what I am saying. I guess what I want to be is NOT evil but NOT good either. I would choose the road less travelled.
I would submit that there is NO higher power than an empty-ed out self.
Dearest Hope. You sound so very, very low. How sad...
I hope you do not think I am overstepping the mark, but I am typing out a prayer for you from a book called Illuminata by Marianne Williamson.
Dear 'God'
I feel such pain, anxiety and depression.
I know this is not Your will for me, and yet my mind is held in chains by fear and paranoia.
I surrender my life, right now, to You.
Take the entire mess, all of it, now too complicated to explain to anyone but know by You in each detail.
Do what I cannot do.
Lift me up.
Give me a new chance.
Show me a new light.
Make me a new person.
Thank you.
Come out and visit us, Hope. You are missed - some of your comments on HME have made me roar laughing - particularly: 'run like you stole something.' Got that last bit from this jarhead I know... I loved it.
HME is on its last legs. There's a new blog now and I am not whore enough to promote it here. It's on my profile, though, should you wish to take a wee look.
Take care of yourself, my sweet. You are a wonderful lady. Very kind, humorous, witty and warm. And we are always here for you. X
hope it gets better sunshine.
K, Aggie and Sage--
242 emails in 3 days...
237 weren't digests or spam.
xo
peace...
I mean to say thank you, too...ha...happy to see the personal mail.
Sometimes you have to know where you are right now before you can work out where you are going. Believe in yourself. That is the most important step to show you where you need to go. Hope you are well Hope.