I went to bed last night for the first time
in a way I hadn't in a long time.

I went before:

I was completely tapped out
and wouldn't remember the walk to my bedroom

I had passed out on the couch

or

did the slow fade during the middle of a book or movie.

It was just me and my brain
and
while that may seem particularly scary to those who know me IRL
I have to say
it was moderately--
(ok pretty damn)
for me, too.

Not just because of the company I have to keep,
(me and my brain),
but because

I
hate
hate
hate
the dark.

hate.
it.

With no power
not only is it dark,
but it's deathly quiet.
even the crickets weren't doing their usually chirpy jibber jabber.

That black forbidding background
against a mind dying to process the day
is not a prospect I was enthused over.

To combat my predicament
I texted a friend who I knew would be as unsupportive
as I was of myself in this disgusting situation--

I said I hate being afraid of the dark
I only hate more that I have made no inroads with this weakness in the last forty years.

So I texted
and
okay
okay
I admit it...
texting gave me a little light from the LCD...

so anyway

The texts went back and forth
and
after I was through asserting I was pretty sure the flesh eating zombies were far more interested in cocky, arrogant prototypical jarhead meat than they would ever be of Texas mama meat,

I wondered if said friend would be equally disgusted to know
he inadvertantly offered some aid and comfort
by the very act of pushing "send"?
when he texted advice to "look out for what was behind me" or when he said there were "reports of undead roaming the streets of Houston" did it occur to him that the screen lit RIGHT UP...haaa.

I'll say it for him..."daaaaaaaamit.."

soon after

while I laid at the foot of the bed
and a breeze blew in from the window over me,

I noticed the cool air also cut through to my mind
and all the thoughts that I hadn't had time to do much with
in the middle of meal making,
or recon trips to see
what was open,
what roads were clear
and if friends and families' homes were okay.

I laid there straining to make out objects in the dark
and slowly began to focus and be grateful for the breeze
and how perfectly it seemed to be reaching through the window
and laying hands on me, hot and damp
in spite of a
a tank and running shorts and favorite poncho liner...(google that...everyone should have a poncho liner)

the air seemed to soften me up like a masseuse might after a long run
or a tough workout on the mats
it reminded me I was grateful for a few other things
and so I pulled a Pollyana
and put my mind to ticking through the 'glads'
Doing this afforded me an ability to
and set aside
just how much the dark was trying to fold in on me.

I thought about how well stocked we had been
how the children had had hot meals and snacks and a mama unworried about providing.

My mind went to the long line I had seen which had gone from the front door of a conveneinece store to the street selling warm beer--seems there was an altercation because there were also three police cruisers and an ambulance hauling someone away... How is this a 'glad'??

Well I'm glad I'm not so fucked up
I'll stand in a long freaking line for hot beer
in broad daylight
in front of God and everybody
advertising that fact
much less be willing to get my ass kicked over it

and I'm glad that when this stuff happened over gas a few days earlier
I was able to jump out of the way and
not get hit by a highly pissed off citizen still enraged over loosing his place in the gas line...
only thing that sob said when I took my hands off the hood of his car
and my feet landed back on the cement was,
"oh man, that coulda been expensive..."
I wanted to punch him in his liver.
(yeah yeah,but for me violent thoughts can BE a 'glad'. It just all depends.)

I thought about the looters I chased off with my car and how there was a part of me that scared me when I realized how much that part of me wanted to run them over with my car. (refer back to previous scenario...it's aaallllll about the payback.)

Finally, I thought about all the times being fit,
or having taken the time to plan and think through what was going on
or about to happen with this hurricane
had made the road a little more smooth for us.
Contingency plans make me quiver I tell ya!
Hey, I can jump Crown Vic bumpers can't I? I'm getting fitted for my cape anyday...

(It's amazing to note just how collectively we as a community ride the line between order and chaos--but that is another post.)

Anyway after all those glads...I must have fallen asleep.

Deep sleep.


I dreamed about guns and livers and all manner of slayed zombies.