Colons, dumpsters, porn, the F bomb.

Sigh...I have nowhere to go--

but clean.

It's early in the month-- don't hold me to anything for TOO long.

I do hate to hitch a more introspective topic to this kind of line up, but...well--I 'm gonna.

At Mass this morning our priest, who I don't listen to much...what with the whole hypocritical/personality of a houseplant issue he has going, said something which made me actually reach for a pen--you thought I was going to say automatic weapon, didn't cha?.

He said,

"Pray God forgive us the limits our failings impose on hope."

I think it was part of opening prayers and maybe, because of my already considerable ego, my ears perked up. Dunno. But I heard this and I wrote it down because I knew I would not be able to sit there and be generally annoyed at him and analytical at the same time. I have tried this before, the outcome is never productive.

Incidentally, human beings like him give Catholics a bad name--which is generally the only thing which does cross my mind with any regularity, if he is the one offering the Mass that day.

Today for some reason though I was more plussed than usual. He asked God to forgive the limits our failing imposes on hope? He spoke on our behalf?

I wanted to say, "Speak for yourself, man!"

or look up and tell God, " Umm...'scuse me?" (waving hand wildly)
"Uhhhh listen uhhhh,"

(finger switching back and forth between us)

"--look we aren't together."

"K?"

"I mean---just so you know--"

"What?"

"Yeah, yeah you're omniscient.

"So what?"

"and I'm thorough."

"Shoot me for covering my own ass."

but I didn't because while I was irritated, I could not determine specifically why. Was it just a general irritation at his ongoing hypocrisy? He can be distracting like that. In his homily he complained about why people never take their tardiness to church to Confession and pointed out that it was the same people that leave early after Communion...All I could think was Dude...you can't make it up a 100 foot aisle for the Processional, but truck across a 400 ft parking lot for church breakfasts?? Let's lay off the public castigation shall we?

Okay so I did have this thought while in Mass. It sat so sideways with me off I got up and walked out. I wound up in our Church's rose garden and had time to sit and think about his first comment without being distracted by anything else spewing from his piehole.

But it struck me. He was focused on our limits in that prayer. What we are not doing and how it affects our outlook and expectations on life and others outlooks and expectations? I thought it was strange he didn't also pray in thanksgiving for the things and perspectives which we do possess which in turn affect our hope, too, but really I only thought it strange for minute--considering the source.

It prompted me to look up the word, hope. I never had before which is kinda weird considering. I mean--I have looked for my name on everything else...stationary, coffecups, jewelery, those little name license plates people make for bicycles. Shrug. Looking in a dictionary only came up today, a couple of months shy of my fortieth birthday.

The desire of something together with the expectation of obtaining it.

This definition didn't aid me in teasing out his words as much as I expected, but it was a start.

Well son of a bitch sometimes I am failing so badly all I have is hope. Isn't that what hope is? You want something for yourself or another and some sort of expectation in spite of everything that things will improve?

Hope, faith and love. Those three things are acts of the will, but just because you act does not mean that the outcome you seek is what you are going to get. Right? I don't think the universe is particularly concerned with our shortcomings. They don't affect it. Shortcomings affect us. It seems more productive to be thanking the universe for those things capable of moving us forward. Yes?

Ann LaMott, an author, talks about circles of light... She says she prays not for an end, but for a small bit of light to step into and from which she can pray for another small bit to present itself and so on-- until she can reach her end. Sometimes she says this light appears just ahead and sometimes to the right or left, but at her best she is only grateful for the light and not for the manner in which it moves in front of her because it moves ahead towards an end nonetheless--not by her intentions, but because of her simple expectation of light, her hope and faith that it will be there. Not because she manufactured it.