Today somebody suggested perhaps I was a pussy.
Today somebody else called me a hero.
Yuh...weird day.

I may or may not be either one--and I leave it at this comment because really--come on-- who wants to be called a pussy??? ESPECIALLY, if you know you are kinda being one and incidentally, who really feels comfortable with the hero word either? I mean your are just as likely to be uncomfortable with either introduction: "Oh hello, So and So. Nice to meet you, I'm a pussy." OR "Hi, X, The name is hero." Either exchange will raise a brow or get you a smack in the mouth. The thing about either one of these is that the person assigned to one description or the other generally hasn't sucked around for either.

I have had some things that weren't as easy to write because they weren't a rant or particularly humorous.

I have been stuck as it were. I can't say I haven't had thoughts. They have been sitting in their seats waving madly from the front row to be called on and I have been looking over them at all my other students hoping to hell they had something to say so I could ignore these more freaky kids who wanted to ask me questions for which I was pretty sure I had no answer.

It's much easier to move in the mad or indignant. The forward motion a good rant can give is momentarily mind clearing. What I have found lately though is blogging has also forced a certain level of accountability to thought and actualization which demands action and stillness--demands grabbing on and letting go and there's the rub.

In avoiding anything other than a rant you also get to avoid the initial sense of free fall when you let something go. Personally, I am not sure I have ever willingly let go of anything. I or someone else has always had to peel my cold, white knuckled fingers off of an idea, concern, slight, relationship or position. The true merits of any of which were never as much of a factor as the value I assigned them mostly based on emotion. Up till now I have been self preserving enough to know to surround myself with smart people willing to help me with the finger prying...lest I would function just a point or two above 'mentally disturbed.'

So back to the whole pussy thing. NO. I am not interested in digressing into the whole pc/sexist implications of the word. For my purposes here I read the working definition of said word 'pussy' as passive or receiving*. Anatomically, you really wouldn't be able to look at it in another way--I mean that's what it does or is. Right? I was only rattled by the perspective potential not the insult potential and I rather like how it did incense me. I suspect that was the intention. I tend to be more spurned to act when I am knocked about the head a little--ok--a lot. Smoke up my ass doesn't have the same kind of effect.

I have in fact been a pussy*. There have been some serious changes afoot for me that completely stroke my fur backwards and so I haven't wanted to touch them with a ten foot pole--well maybe I have given them a poke or two, but that is it.

Pokes:

My faith is not as it used to be. At the moment my religion has left me and I don't think it is coming back.

I need to think about what I am doing that contributes to my happiness and well being. I don't like to do that very much. It's not even societally acceptable if you think about it.

I remain a fighter, but my angst is more focused inward lately-- albeit reluctantly --I love kicking some ass as long as it's not my own, but it's my own that needs it right now.

On the whole hero thing. I have to say that being called that prompted me to cut through the BS as of late and at least be moderately able to try on that label.

I love my boys in Iraq and gal in Afghanistan and in writing them and rallying for them I have been unwaveringly disciplined and willing to champion their needs. Why? Because of their dedication and commitment. Because I came to know they exist. If this has made me a hero to some of them it really would be ridiculous to not apply that same level of discipline and dedication to my own endeavors.