So. It's not a newsflash of any kind. Most of my close friends know:
I've been avoiding religion lately.

Actually, I've been a little annoyed with religion-- no, ALOT annoyed with religion.

I've been giving reason some of my discretionary time.
Equally annoying.

For the last few weeks I have successfully managed to both miss Mass AND not come to any satisfactory conclusions whatsoever.

I posted earlier about Tony going sergeant on me. I only let him get away with that kind of behavior on occasion. As much as I LOVE the Corps and every testosterone ridden thing they stand stand for, I have estrogen to deal with and so require restraint from the males in my life from time to time. I was only going to Mass because Tony played the jarhead and grateful cards. He got me where I lived.

I wanted to write about not being settled in my faith and how disconcerting that was as I had and always have been sure.

I wanted to say I went today and God opened it all up for me. Eat a wafer dipped in wine. Poof. I am happily Catholic and grateful for the sacrament of Reconciliation so I can ask forgiveness for questioning the 'Church' and to keep from burning in hell. That little gem of a sacrament can come in handy I tell ya.

All I feel compelled to relate is how the first song of the procession with trumpet and guitar evoked a kind of comfort and familiarity. I want to relate how friends, who have known the kids since they stroked them in my pregnant belly, now stroked the kids' hair and told them how big they were getting as we got ready to move as a community into the church to celebrate.

As we walked into church with banners to Mary flying, Jesus on a gold crucifix and folks lifting their voices as they walked along the sidewalk, I made a few silent remarks to God.

"Well I'm here.
I'm not as steady on my feet about this whole coming to church half assed thing with no clear intent. Don't bust my ass God, I was dragged.

By the way this guy you have leading us is not my favorite person, you know. He has the personality of a houseplant and I think his general outlook needs some serious remediation.

Are you going to be unhappy with my not taking Communion today or taking it and not being all lined up with what exactly I am doing?

I prefer a little more order than this, God. Lately? No order. WTF?

I have kinda been thinking heretical things like:

If I can't reason you or see you, do you exist?

We have some seriously fallible non-sheeploving sheperds in our midst, God. Are you going to stand for that?

Sooner or later we are going to have to talk bout this whole arrogant with the world reputation we Catholics have. I think we should consider another agency handle our PR.

Celibacy, God? Seriously?

You know, we are not illiterate masses only worthy of subjugation or the literate few bent on it anymore. What do you have for us NOW? Well ,can you tell your folks in the front office that? I don't think they got the memo.

If you are going to do anything about your image, Lord, you are going to have to distance yourself from Religion. Sure you've known him a long time, you two were frat brothers and belong to the same golf club,yada yada yada. Dump him.

All in all and after this has been said, if I go in with everybody else right now, God, I'm not going to burst into flames or anything am I?

God has a sense of humor-- either that or he wasn't paying attention. I sat through the Mass listening to what was being said and asking from time to time,
"Okay do I believe that part? Yep.
That part? Nope.
THAT part? Maybe."
There were no epiphanies, but it was good and I didn't internally combust. That was something.

Afterwards we all headed over to the festivities for this very old feast day we celebrate the first week in December. I met all those folks who have been so kind to my boys in Iraq and whose first questions once inside were in fact of them. I was glad I didn't see Tony or get any "I told you so looks". One zoomie vet made a beeline and we talked about his life some more and how he helped buy a that last box of cigars I sent to Karmah and we poured hot chocolate others were bringing in from the kitchen for us to serve to our parishioners.

Soon I took a pot and started to work the room where the elderly sat waiting for the line to go down so they could eat. I smiled and answered questions about my kids and Tony and those Marines of mine and began to feel this kind of quiet thing settle in.

I watched all these people celebrating Jesus and Mary. Mariachis were singing in Spanish and dancing and the mamas who had fussed over my newborns, fighting over turns to hold one or the other over the years were now on the serving line tending to still others.

I was overwhelmed with an instinctive impulse to pour drink, bring food to some or sit and listen to people who had come that day alone and thenby a secondary and very rare impulse to shut the hell up.

After a while I found myself trying on this idea that perhaps I don't have to have everything figured out RIGHT NOW. That I can go to this church and not capitalize it. To 'have a little Jesus' as a dear friend calls it and maybe not believe every doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church at the same time.

But still...I kind of like rules and order...who am I kidding I love 'code'. I love tradition and ritual, probably because I had so little of it growing up. One of my favorite thing about living is enjoying those paradigms where tradition and order are demanded.

Do I have tradition and ritual woobies?
Yup.

Am i ready to give them up?
Nope.

Is it possible I might in the future?
Maybe.

Does it make me mindless?
Are you kidding?
All I HAVE been doing lately is thinking--and trying to find a balance. Tomorrow I am going to try out a Bible study this friend of mine has been suggesting and then come home and watch Fight Club again.