Still living in a no power, no news bubble.
Coupled with poor marital communication
and a general sense that even the suckiness of living
and learning shit and maybe needing to learn it again...
hell
and again and AGAIN--
can't last forever.
...right?
I mean---
right?
go ahead
humor me.
While God in any previously religious format
holds nothing for me now
I do think about this poem from time to time
and about being able to empty yourself to a higher power
and okay
so I question that idea often
and hold anything that involves submission or acquiesence suspect,
I do go back to this prayer from time to time
as its tone conveys a sense of where I find myself
as I claw my way through midlife.
grimly determined and hopeful that you get some sort of space in the Universe for making a damn effort.
My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean
that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton (1915-1968)
My children especially my oldest and third born have been bickering and unkind to one another. There has been some group dynamics in the house lately which have made me dread mothering.
Mostly because, I hate feeling like I am blowing it.
Mostly because being the center of the Universe, I naturally have a single hand in the character and development of my children.
Some idiot put that in my pipe early in life and ohhhhhh, if I didn't smoke it.
A lot.
Their discord and my own maternal Kung Fu grip on the Center of the Universe thing got so dismal, the outing they had planned for the afternoon, didn't happen for them.
That's an hour I should have recorded.
Yup.
Right after the words: 'That's it. You two are staying home today' I should have hit 'record', dubbed a few and sent them on to Iraq so my guys could have used the recordings for interrogation purposes. It was biblical I tell ya...talk about 'wailing and gnashing of teeth.' One listen to that and all those jihadists over there would have been agreeing to a new Middle East accord.
So the day happened.
My second born, Ethan, he did go on the outings. My littlest, Matthew, succumbed to a nap about the time it was time to depart so he stayed home,too.Maybe he would forget about park day.
Maybe the nap would just wipe it right out of his mind.
Nope.
Wake up time for him was_not_pretty, but I didn't think of recording that either...actually I couldn't hear. My ears were bleeding by then.
Email got read.
Posts were made.
A yard got raked.
Furniture got moved.
A trip to the post office made.
Things I no longer need were thrown away
Troop donations were sorted into the right boxes
and a computer full of documents got sorted into files.
What has settled into my mind tonight is how none of those things happened without the grace of another person.
Early on Earthmama emailed to check in as I was trying to decide how best to take my Bickerers out and make it look like an accident. A simple 'how are you?' reminded me to check in with myself. Yeah...how the hell WAS I?
My inbox included items which needed my attention and decisions I hadn't made yet, but it also included friends accepting invitations to play, visit or come to a class. It included belated birthday wishes and news of how those I hold in thought are doing.
At lunch most days my husband comes home and today he was prepared to take Bickerer #1 with him to the office for the afternoon before I was able to tell him I had called another dear friend who agreed to watch Ethan, our RNOD (Resident Non-Offender of the Day) at his outing and to bring him home.
Tony watched the other kids on his lunch break while I drove over and had a few minutes to drive and look at the sky on the way back IN SILENCE. ahhhhh.
When I returned Bickerer #1 was raking the lawn and his counterpart was in the livingroom. Cleaning.
Holy crap I thought.
Just so they could see mom with no oxygen going to her brain they went for the Trifecta by not only NOT fighting for the rest of the day, but finishing the lawn T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R, unadvised.
I had to sit down for a minute.
Seriously.
I sat down and peaked out the window at their two heads in the sunshine bent over copper piles of pine needles.
In awhile my mama friend drove up with Ethan and stayed for a few minutes. A few minutes equaling how long it took her to help me move furniture and to catch up on our lives a little after a long week of momminess.
At the post office I ran into a lady who has made donations in the past for shipping. Her seeing first hand how her organization supports our folks across the pond was--well I can't sit here forever trying to explain how awesome THAT was, but I have smart friends and readers, I'll let you work on that.
In the evening still another couple of friends stopped by and while I had dreaded sorting and reorganzing the mess my living room had become from this odd day, having guests made the task more enjoyable. In fact so much was done, the topic turned to computers...well mostly becasue I whined...'Hey Mike, can you help me with this stupid computer since you are here? Did he ever. Man! I am squared away now...I'm too cool for color TV I tell ya. LOOK out, Steve Jobs!
I started a day pretty disgusted with the house, the kids, my level of participation in life in general. Now while tired and not done, I feel blessed by those who have been with me in mind or body today.
The day rose and fell and rose again.
I was grateful for
the walk
and the view
and the company.
My all time favorite, has to go on all cartrips, know every word even when or if I am occasionally plastered--though NOT simultaneously on a car trip--- is Tracy Chapman's Fast Cars ...my mama friend Marci just posted the video to this later song of hers...Her lyrics definitely resonate with me right now...I know I want to post about this, but I'm still percolating...so how about you? Any thoughts on her words? I posted the video at the end of this, too.
Change LyricsArtist(Band):Tracy Chapman
Review The Song (2)
If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses?
How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses?
How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?
If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. except when covered in your three year old's vomit.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. just look down first and make sure your not on a cliff or something
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. but it's long enough to pick a handful of people I think are absolute idiots...(per Earthmama)
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. What?!
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. Or max them out right before you declare bankruptcy.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.To their face anyway.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. but I heartily recommend getting drunk together first so that no one remembers you cried...(per Earthmama)
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. Of course he can take it- he's got voicemail.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. Unless you plan on marrying a rich old man and disinheriting his children.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. Seriously.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't mess up the present. Or get even... that's always good.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. Especially, if plain old Catholic guilt doesn't work.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their Journey is all about. unless of course you see them on the cover of the Globe--everyone knows that stuff is legit.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. spoken like a person in some sort of unusually healthy relationship.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. or with money...
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. or hold you breath until you get your way.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. Yeah make sure you pack it up and give it to your sibling so they can figure it out, too. 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. or bitter...
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. only make sure your ass fits on the slide...getting stuck ain't pretty...
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. yeah stalk your quarry if you have to and have a rock solid alibi if you get caught..
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. don't forget the cheesecake and fried chicken, and cheap wine
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. or look into the appropriate psychotropic drugs..
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. except for in a hair color...even in old age that looks pretty stupid...
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. I'm pretty sure the IRS would beg to differ...
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?" Unless of course you are a perpetually bitter, vindictive human being in which case all this will still be quite fresh...
26. Always choose life. Yep drag it out into an open field and beat it into submission.
27. Forgive everyone everything. but only after you have made them feel guilty first.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business. damn and I've been perfecting the art of fishing for compliments and everything...when did this rule get made up?
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. this usually comes from someone who isn't waiting with you.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. one usually wants to smack the sunny, upbeat person who tries to tell you this when your life is in the toilet.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will.Stay in touch. Or buy them lots of presents.
32. Believe in miracles. or count on what comes around going around...
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. well damn now you tell me...
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. can I use this in court?
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. this one I can't make fun of...
36. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable. you sure as hell better or they'll blame you for everything...
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. damn another I can't mess with...
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. and think of the tan you'll get...
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back. hell yeah...people could hold that crap over your head for years.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. I mostly believe this except when I am at the Galleria...
41. The best is yet to come. can I get this one notarized by someone in charge?
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. Definitely. You'll make at least one person jealous...
43. Yield. or get yourself REALLY good airbags
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. okay so that was three out of 44 I don't have the heart to touch...
