Still living in a no power, no news bubble.
Coupled with poor marital communication
and a general sense that even the suckiness of living
and learning shit and maybe needing to learn it again...
hell
and again and AGAIN--

can't last forever.

...right?

I mean---

right?

go ahead

humor me.

While God in any previously religious format
holds nothing for me now
I do think about this poem from time to time
and about being able to empty yourself to a higher power

and okay
so I question that idea often
and hold anything that involves submission or acquiesence suspect,
I do go back to this prayer from time to time
as its tone conveys a sense of where I find myself
as I claw my way through midlife.

grimly determined and hopeful that you get some sort of space in the Universe for making a damn effort.

My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following
your will does not mean
that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire
in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear,
for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton (1915-1968)